sometimes I feel sad inside but then I remember that it means I'm human

I don't know about any of you other bloggers out there, but I've been finding it hard to blog lately (and not just because my cat keeps walking across my keyboard). I was reading this post that Isabel of Hipster Musings wrote about the whole teen-centric nature of the blogging community at the moment, which people took totally the wrong way as though she was attacking Rookie. But she wasn't - she was just articulating her feelings about the apparent new reality of blogging. And I had been feeling really crappy about how I wanted to blog that day, but like, I wasn't sure if I should because none of my outfits were cool enough or 'strange' enough or something and I didn't have anything interesting to say and reading her post made me feel a lot better. And reading her post really made me feel a lot better, especially because just a month ago I was really upset because I felt like fashion didn't excite me anymore. I even tried googling "Why doesn't fashion interest me anymore?" and all that came up was "why doesn't porn work for me anymore?". Thinking about it more, I think that I still really do like fashion, my tastes are just changing.

Going with the teen-centric pastel nostalgia tanget, it's kind of ridiculous that in previous years it upset me that there was so little funny, intelligent and real content on the internet/in print/in the media oriented towards teenage girls (ok, so I mean the mainstream media and internet) and now that it's happening I'm all grumbly like an old man, thinking that there's TOO MUCH OF IT?! It's kind of like a part of me wanted it to stay this secret, like blogs that were really girl-oriented and pro female power were my little secret refuge from all the people I didn't like at high school - kind of like how 'music snobs' stop liking a band just because it's popular. I guess it's that idea that if something you like starts being liked by everybody, it can't be good anymore, because then that would mean that a lot of the people you look down on have good taste, too. Kind of like this stupid cycle perpetuated by your desire to be just a little bit special and it's very understandable because who doesn't want to feel special? I feel like that's also the basis of attraction to sub-cultures for a lot of people.

Also, I graduated from high school this year and am now in my first year at art school. And it's weird, because I keep finding myself getting all nostalgic for high school and for feeling crappy and reading fashion blogs after a bad day at school and how it made me feel better when life really sucked. And I didn't really like high school - I didn't feel like I had a place at school, I was always putting intense pressure on myself to get the top grade in every class and I only had like one good friend at school and I find it so strange that now I keep thinking in my head "I wish I could do it over again". I'm not sure if that means I'm a masochist or if it just has to do with the fact that I am growing up (I'm only 18, but that seems a lot older than some of the really cool 12 year-old fashion bloggers out there with hundreds of followers and comments) and I'm scared I don't have a place in this fantastic teen girl scene that I always wanted to be a part of.

Sometimes I feel like I want to stay a teenager forever, but then that would be unfair, because that would deny the fantastic power and uniqueness of human beings at any age. Looking at blogs like Advanced Style makes me feel a lot better about this though because these people are old and still killing it. And also 18 is not old so that's crazy anyways. I was even talking to my mom about this a few weeks ago, about how I'm so old and I haven't accomplished anything major and I'm not as accomplished as Tavi or Arabelle or Courtney or Kathleen and all the people I admire and she got all offended because she's 60 and still figuring it out. So that's another reason to feel ok about it all because if I had everything figured out now and had accomplished everything I wanted to by age 18, what would I do with the 80 odd years (haha I hope) that remain?

I am still pretty into this teenage girl scene because I technically still am a teenager and also, most of the lessons you're supposed to learn as a teenager take a long time to actually stick and apply to everyone - not just teenagers, not just girls. Doesn't everyone have self-confidence problems and body issues for pretty much their entire lives anyways? So I guess in summation, I love Rookie, I love fashion blogs, I love clothing and art and movies and music and books aimed at teenage girls and not aimed at teenage girls and I think that even if what I'm wearing is not "weird" or pastel or Virgin Suicides-y it is still cool because I like it. And if I feel like listening to Best Coast and wearing a pink beehive and watching the Virgin Suicides and roller skating off into the sunset sometimes, that's cool too.

Thanks for listening to my rant if you didn't just scroll past the paragraphs! I guess this whole transitory period kind of goes with the zine I'm making called "On the Fence" right now which I swear I'm going to finish my the end of the year!

♡Getting some teen girl nostalgia out of my system ♡

Mulholland Drive, unknown, Vivian Girls' "Take it as it Comes" video, Hole's "Miss World" video and record, background image from Juicystar07's vlog channel...

I also made a playlist on 8tracks (do you have 8tracks? yes? Follow me and I'll follow you! I'm a bit obsessed with 8tracks and listening to other peoples' mixes right now.

Sleepin' Over from camazotz on 8tracks Radio.